Kintsugi

By Russ-Ahna Davenport

so i guess i need people to hurt me then

i worry

they pry open my body and torture

im a hoarder of fragile thoughts

glass jars of fireflies and small things ive lost

i guess i need the empty

the quiet lonely the sad and unopened

the broken

to point me in a direction that wont bury me

tie me hide me

i keep finding loopholes in happiness

manholes in compassion

im grasping

for something thicker than blood

but the only living thing left to love me is myself

there is no wealth in discovery in helping

no joy in martyrdom

i harbor some guilt from the pain that ive caused

but how often can i choose kindness

before these carefully cultivated flowers give up on living

theyve been trodden and torn up

stomped and stripped bare

we are worn down

we have been stepped on and abused

i did not choose this soul but don't give me anything new

and no one is coming to save us

and some young woman with my name is

crashing exploding and falling

and i

am a raindrop in a big storm

and i know i am surrounded by light

held by angels

no flag just burning crest

but i still feel the fall

and i know i cant catch myself

i believe in beautiful things

i believe in benevolence and love

and I have found their shattered bodies behind locked bathroom doors

there are stars that explode before they die

and i simply collapse

if im blessed with baptismal rebirth i will rise

and begin again

and i guess i need people to hurt me then

because i forget

because i forgive

i call myself letting go

releasing before anger turns to poison

oh i am an alchemist

but someone teach me to turn bitterness into gold

turn regret back into love

give me water from this wine

an artist dancing in shit loses sanity to someone elses vanity

and mirrors shatter to cut up the dissonance but no one listens to sad music anymore

we close the door and turn off the lights

people go to sleep at night

when i embrace darkness as a friend

laid up in slices of thinking and mild violence